How to Help Your Child Stay Social (Even Without a Smartphone)
September 1 2025
Delaying your child’s first smartphone doesn’t mean they have to miss out socially. Here’s how to build real-life connection and community while holding firm on healthy tech boundaries.
As a psychologist who often works with families navigating digital boundaries, I regularly speak to parents grappling with one particular worry: “If I delay giving my child a smartphone, will they become socially isolated?” It’s a valid concern, one I hear from thoughtful, well-intentioned parents who want to strike the right balance. You want your child to be connected, but not at the cost of their mental health, focus, or sleep. And you definitely don’t want them to feel excluded. Here’s the good news: there are ways to support your child socially without handing over a device before they’re ready for it. In fact, there’s emerging evidence that delaying might be the healthier developmental choice.
What the Brain Research Tells Us
Between the ages of roughly 8 to 10, children begin a natural neurological process known as synaptic pruning. During this time, the brain strengthens certain neural pathways and trims away those that are used less frequently. This helps make thinking more efficient, but it also means the experiences children have during this stage matter, they shape the structure of the brain going forward. Now, here’s where screens come in. Several neuroimaging studies have linked excessive screen use with changes to grey matter volume, particularly in regions associated with empathy, decision-making, and impulse control. While the research is ongoing, early findings suggest that the more time a child spends in front of a screen, especially during critical developmental windows, the more likely it is to impact social-emotional development. Put simply: if a child is spending hours each day on a smartphone, they may be missing out on the face-to-face interactions that help wire the brain for reading body language, interpreting tone, and understanding facial expressions, all of which are essential for healthy peer relationships.
What Does “Social” Really Mean?
When we say we want children to be “social,” what we usually mean is: feeling included, having regular contact with peers, forming meaningful friendships, and developing confidence in social settings. A smartphone might make it easier to coordinate plans or chat after school, but it doesn’t actually teach any of the above. In fact, for some children, it can do the opposite, creating pressure to perform, compare, or constantly be “available.”
Practical Ways to Build Real-Life Connection
If your child doesn’t have a smartphone yet (or you’re thinking of holding off), here are some strategies that can help them stay connected and confident:
1. Be the Organiser — For Now
Yes, it might mean a bit more involvement on your part. But offering to coordinate playdates, movie outings, or hangouts, even just now and then, gives your child opportunities to build connection offline. Tip: Work with other like-minded parents to rotate who hosts. If your child is keen to see a friend from school, offer to reach out to that friend’s parent. Most are happy to help once they know your child doesn’t have a phone yet.
2. Use Shared Devices With Boundaries
If group chats or class coordination happen via messaging apps, you might consider allowing supervised access on a shared device (like a home tablet or your phone), with clear limits. Make sure your child understands the purpose: short-term access to make plans or respond, not unlimited chatting. They don’t need to reply instantly, and that’s okay.
3. Encourage Shared Activities, Not Just “Catch-Ups”
Group sports, drama club, martial arts, surf lessons, whatever suits your child’s interests. These are environments where friendships often grow naturally, and no one needs a phone to participate. If your child isn’t the sporty type, think book clubs, music groups, youth volunteering or art classes. Social skills develop best when kids have something to do together, not just a device to scroll through.
4. Equip Them With Words
Social confidence doesn't come from a device, it comes from knowing what to say and how to say it. Role play what your child can say if someone asks why they don’t have a phone. A simple, confident response like: “My parents are holding off for now, but I can still catch up after school or on weekends.” Giving them language ahead of time can take the pressure off.
But What If They Feel Left Out?
Let’s be honest. There might be moments where your child doesn’t get an inside joke from a group chat or misses an after-school plan because it was organised online. That can feel tough, for them, and for you. But those moments are also teachable. They build resilience. They open conversations about peer pressure, independence, and the importance of real friendships over digital ones. No child is truly excluded just because they don’t have a smartphone. What matters more is having consistent access to social interaction through other means, and knowing they have the support of their family as they navigate it.
What I’ve Seen in the Clinic
Some of the most socially confident teens I’ve worked with didn’t have smartphones in their early high school years. Their parents helped foster in-person friendships and modelled healthy boundaries, and those kids thrived. Of course, every child is different. Some need more scaffolding than others. But the key message here is: delaying a smartphone doesn’t mean delaying connection.
Final Thoughts
Smartphones may feel like the social glue of childhood these days, but connection is about so much more than group chats and emojis. If you’re holding off on giving your child a phone, you’re not setting them back. You’re giving them space to build real-life connection, and you’re helping their brain develop the pathways that matter most for empathy, communication, and human connection.
Want more support?
Check out my book The Tech Diet for Your Child & Teen — a practical resource for building healthy screen use habits in a tech-saturated world. Or make a referral to my clinic.
